I have spent more than four decades teaching basic communication skills to relationship partners. Successful communication depends on two sets of skills. The first is the mastery of the basic ABCs: learning how to speak clearly and listen deeply without defensiveness or invalidation of the other. Most relationship partners can practice and master these......READ THE FULL STORY>>.....READ THE FULL STORY>>
But, as is true for so many couples, these tried-and-true responses don’t always work when arguments become heated. If either partner begins to feel they are not going to be heard or get their needs met, they will be unable to resolve the issue that is causing their relationship distress.
To rescue a deteriorating argument, a couple must be able to activate the second skill, recognizing that something has gone wrong in the way they are interacting with each other. The interpersonal atmosphere is now tense and unsafe. The angry words being exchanged are becoming harsher. Exploration of different points of view is now impossible.
The example below illustrates how and when that second skill must be implemented to save an interaction that’s going in the wrong direction.
Ben and Mary are trying to resolve an ongoing issue between them. They begin their interaction by using their basic communication skills. They are both trying hard to listen and understand the other’s point of view.
At some point, their interaction begins to go awry. They are both becoming more distressed and no longer feel heard by the other. Feelings and expressions escalate. Very soon, both of them are talking to each other rather than to each other.
They recognize that they are no longer on the same team. They have gone from two people who truly wanted to solve their dispute to trying to win an argument with an enemy. Both notice that the way in which they are interacting is interfering with their ability to listen objectively to what each is saying.
They realize that, unless they feel and support each other’s mounting frustration and discouragement, and heal those reactions, they can no longer resolve the disagreement they are having.
The 2-Part Skill Sequence That Took Ben and Mary From Failing to Success
Ben: (expressing distress with his partner’s behavior)
“I’m really uncomfortable about the way you treated my mother yesterday. You didn’t need to be that harsh, even if she was a little out of line.”
Mary: (responding with good, basic communication skills)
“I really try to understand her need to control you and I try so hard to be patient and wait for you to stop her, but it really distresses me and sometimes I just can’t hold back.”
Ben: (wanting to hear her out but also to get his point across)
“Look, I know it’s hard, but she’s the only mother I have, so I need you to sacrifice for me here so I’m not in the middle.”
Mary: (now feeling unheard, misunderstood, and unsupported, feeling she has to counter-attack)
“So, what you’re telling me is that she comes first no matter what my feelings are.”
Ben: (now seeing Mary as an enemy and insulting her character)
“Don’t go there. We’ve had this discussion so many times. I’m getting really frustrated again. You just aren’t getting it.”
Mary: (now calling Ben someone who would sacrifice her to make himself okay)
“So, I’m just supposed to suck it up, just to make you more comfortable?”
Ben: (accusing Mary of trying to manipulate him)
“Don’t pull this martyr crap on me, just to change my mind.”
Their interaction has now deteriorated into a power struggle with only one possible winner. If it continues in this direction, a resolution will not be possible and the issue will come up again with the same result.
Mary realizes what is happening and switches to the second skill.
Mary: (realizing they are no longer able to resolve the situation because they’ve lost each other’s support and care)
“Hold on. We’re both so upset and we can’t hear each other anymore. We’ve lost each other’s support and understanding because we’re both afraid that we won’t get what we need. Let’s take a few minutes and calm down and get back on the same team. I love you and you love me. Your issues with your mom are yours to work out and I just need your support when they upset me.”
Ben: (feeling her correct assessment of how they’re losing each other in the way they are interacting)
“I’m sorry. I was feeling cornered and defensive, like I had to choose between the two of you. I hate it when I have to sacrifice you when she needs me but I just can’t abandon her when she is in so much trouble. I really need your help but I don’t want you to feel that you don’t matter because you are everything to me.”
Mary: (softening and feeling like they are connecting again)
“We can make this work. We just need to remember how much we love each other and not lose that when we need to fix something that is broken. I don’t have the connection to your mom the way you do and she does kind of drive me crazy at times, but I don’t want you to feel guilty either. I want to help you. At the same time, I know you have your own issues with her and we just need to find a way to balance things better.”
Ben: (noticeably relaxing, some tears, head in his hands)
“Thank you for caring. I feel more hopeful. You’re not my enemy or trying to hurt me, but sometimes I make you into that when I feel cornered. My mom can be too demanding. And when you care like this, it helps me to figure out how to set boundaries with her. I’ve always needed to do that.”
Mary: (putting her arms around him)
“We can do this together if we remember to stay connected when we’re trying to figure it out.”
