My Exes Are The Reason My Heart Is So Cold Toward Men

When Caleb and I started dating, I was scared to give him my heart because of what my ex did to me. That relationship left me scarred and terrified of men. I never even thought I would get to a place where I would consider loving a man again. That’s how bad it was......Read The Full Article>>.....Read The Full Article>>

I am not a touch person. As in, I don’t like to be touched and Kofi knew this. So most of the time we dated, there wasn’t much physical contact between us. Even when we spent time together, we all kept our hands to ourselves.

The fact that he didn’t try to impose himself on my personal space made me feel safe. I thought he understood me and he was okay with what we had. This assumption made me let my guard down. Then one day while I was with him he started getting touchy. When it got uncomfortable for me, I asked him to stop but he wouldn’t. I pushed him away but he was like a mountain. Unmovable.

I panicked and my fight and flight response kicked in. I fought him while I tried to escape but my strength was no match for his brute force. In the end, he won. He had his way with me against my will. I was inconsolable. I cried as if I was at a funeral. Come to think of it, was it not a funeral? I had guarded my virginity my whole life, only for him to snatch it away as if it were candy from a baby.

My heart grew cold toward men after this incident. But when Caleb came along I decided to give him a chance. We started talking and I found myself catching feelings for him. So I opened up to him about my past. I told him I was coming from a place of pain. He listened with empathy. Then he assured me that he would protect my heart.

Everything was going well until he started asking me for sex. I objected to it at first but he was persistent. Eventually, I gave in because of how much I loved him. It became a habit after I gave it to him the first time. He started asking for it every single time we were together.

I thought I would get used to it but I never did. I am usually the kind of person who can go an entire year without intimacy. However, I allowed Caleb to have me whenever he asked for it. And he always wanted it. It was so frequent that I started feeling I was his sex toy. I even got tired and started complaining.

When I complained he would tell me, “I don’t do much. You know I don’t go beyond a minute or two.” Well, the short time was still effective because I got pregnant.

“Get rid of it,” he said, “I am not ready for a child right now.” I refused at first but on second thought, I didn’t have anyone. It’s just me and my mum. A baby would have been a challenge. So I decided to do what he asked.

When I asked him to give me money for the procedure he refused. I had to put pressure on him before he gave me GHC500 to go to the hospital. The first day I went the doctor didn’t do it. He asked me to come back another time. I don’t know what happened or how it happened but I lost the baby before I even got the chance to terminate the pregnancy.

That moment was a very dark time in my life. And the man who should have been there for me became verbally abusive. He started maltreating me. He would ignore me for days. I understood his message clearly. He was done with me. I had to move on.

It’s been a year since that awful incident happened but I haven’t been able to get past it. I still think about Caleb and how he treated me in the end.

My heart has gone cold again. My hatred for men has become something else. I know I have to heal so I can live my life but I don’t know how to go about it. I feel stuck. I’m here with no life, no family support, and no job. Caleb is also lurking in the shadows, begging me to come back to him. What do I do? How do I move on from my past so I can live a happy life? I need help.