Before we left his place after the holidays I did something. I was finding it difficult to deal with him in person because of the love we shared and how disappointed I felt. So I resorted to the old-fashioned way of communication. Letters. I sat down one time when he was not at home and poured out all my pain and anger in a letter. I am sure the paper must have been soaked in my tears because I couldn’t stop them from flowing as I confronted my feelings and the reality of my marriage......See Full Story>>.....See Full Story>>
When I was done, I took off my wedding ring and the engagement one, put them on the letter, and folded and hid it somewhere I knew he wouldn’t find until I told him to look. I didn’t say anything about it until I left.
It took me two days to get back to my mum’s place. On the second day of the trip, I sent him a message. I directed him to the place I hid the letter and told him, “I have left something for you over there.” I expected him to call me or text me in a matter of minutes but that didn’t happen. I waited for an hour but all I got from him was silence.
Four hours later, I still heard nothing from him. I started getting worried at this point. What if he didn’t look for the letter? Or worse, what if he found it and hurt himself because of it? This is a man who is already at a low moment in his life. He has lost everything but his family. Now that one too is walking out the door. “Maybe he did read the letter but he is not handling it well,” I thought as I dialed his number.
The moment he picked up I said, “I am just letting you know that I am almost home. Ever since we began the journey, you’ve been calling to ask me where we’ve gotten to. So why haven’t you called in the past few hours to do that?” When he spoke his voice was hoarse. He sounded like a man who had been conquered by his demons.
I was tempted to ask if he was okay but what was the point? I knew he was not okay. The way his voice sounded, I couldn’t tell if he had been crying or if it was just pain making him sound that way. The truth is, I didn’t care about his feelings at that point. I, myself had felt pain beyond whatever he may have been going through. So I told myself it was his turn to feel betrayed too.
Three days later, he asked if we could talk. I said sure. He started the conversation with, “That was quite the surprise you left me. Is this it? Is this the end of the road for us? You’ve finally had enough of my troubles and you are leaving?” I asked him, “Did you read the last sentence of my letter?” At the end of the letter I wrote; “If you are ready to be a man and mend our home then you can make me that promise and put the rings back on my finger. But if you want to continue this gambling thing then I need a break from you.”
He told me my decision was too extreme but I didn’t care anymore. I stopped picking up his calls after that conversation. He saw then that I had gotten to the end of the rope. The next thing I knew, my mother called me to ask about my decision to leave the marriage. She heard it from my younger sister who also heard it from my husband.
They understood me but Mama said leaving the rings with him was not right. “This means you are asking for a divorce.” When I tried to reason with her, she reported me to my uncle, and a family meeting was called. Everybody came together to advise me about the challenges of marriage. And how I should not walk away just because things are hard. After the meeting, my mum called Alfie and advised him to change his ways.
I had blocked him at that point and wasn’t ready to talk to him. However, my mum’s plea got to me. She struggled to raise me and my two sisters after her husband passed. She did such a good job with us that I promised I would never do anything to hurt her feelings. This is why when she got emotional about me blocking my husband, I decided to unblock him and start talking to him again.
Things are no longer the same between us but now we talk. I don’t regret giving him an ultimatum. I don’t know if leaving the rings with him was a good choice but I have made peace with my decision because it has brought me results.
Whether he is still gambling or not, I don’t know. I am not with him to see it. What I see are the changes he is making. Now, he sends money every week for child support. He has also started repaying the loan I took from my family to pay his debts. This is my comfort.
My actions may have left a rift between us but it was necessary. That’s life. Sometimes you have to resort to extreme measures to put sense into people. We talk alright but I’m still hurt, sad, and depressed because of all the ways none of this would have happened if he wasn’t a gambling addict in the first place. So far, I am patiently waiting to see if he will clean up his act completely. Only then will I forgive him and go back to our marriage.
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