I Can Never Forgive Myself For This

No matter what anyone tells me, I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault. My guilt is etched into my bones. I don’t think I can ever get rid of it. Tell me, how does a mother forgive herself for killing her child?......➡️CONTINUE READING THE FULL ARTICLES HERE.

I regret not taking proper care of myself when I was pregnant. Someone told me prenatal vitamins were not that important for the growth of a fetus.

“There are women who go through full-term pregnancy without those drugs and they have healthy babies,” I heard more people say.

I don’t know what possessed me to listen to such talk. It got into my head. I started missing my pills. A day became two days. Then a week passed. Before I knew it, I was telling myself, “What about those women who don’t attend antenatal clinics at all during pregnancy yet have healthy babies?”

After a while, I stopped taking the medication entirely. I didn’t suffer any complications during the entire process.

I was beside myself with joy when my baby arrived. My first child. She was always such a wonder to me. Her big bright eyes, her little button nose, those lips that birthed her giggles and dramatic tantrums, always filled me with her.

I often caught myself asking, “How did my life make sense before I had her?”

A few months into her stay here, she started getting sick. The doctors diagnosed her with a hole in the heart. That wasn’t the only one. She had other congenital conditions too. I adored her.

“Did I do this to her? Is it because I didn’t take my prenatal vitamins?” This is how guilt ate at me when I found out.

We did everything the doctors asked. We prayed and cried out to God for a miracle. In the end, I lost my little bubble of wonder.

Regret sits on my chest like a bad scar. I feel so stupid for not taking those drugs religiously. I keep asking myself how come people did it and it went well for them. Why did mine end badly?

Every time I think of my little one all alone in the cold earth, I know I won’t forgive myself for causing this. I feel so depressed and empty without her. If I never heal from this, I will know it is what I deserve for my carelessness.