He Prefers His Hand Than My Touch

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I’m Kenyan, and my boyfriend is Nigerian. We met on a dating app three years ago. Although most of our relationship has been virtual, he has proven beyond doubt that he is a provider.

For the first two years, he made no mention of intimacy.

In my experience, men have physical needs they expect their women to fulfill. Even in long-distance relationships, there are ways to meet those needs—photo requests, and special video calls, right? Well, not my man.

I was the one who tried several times to bring up the subject. Every time I did, he would get angry and hang up.

He says his priority is making money. “Women need money,” he says. “That’s why I’m working hard to take care of you. You don’t need to worry about satisfying my needs in the bedroom.”

He began this year with a whole anthem about making money.

“I want to take my children to good schools,” he would say.

“And what about other things?” I would ask.

“Yes, I also want to take good care of my wife,” he’d reply.

“I’m talking about other things that don’t cost money,” I’d press further.

“Everything that matters to me costs money. That’s why money is everything to me right now.”

As the months passed, we agreed to meet. He’s my first man, so you can imagine how eager I was. I had imagined all the things we’d finally get to do together. I was certain that his reservations about intimacy would melt away once we were together in person.

I’m currently in his house as I write this. I’ve been here for a month now.

He hasn’t touched me. Not even a kiss.

I’ve done everything possible to entice him, to let him know that I am his for the taking, but I might as well be a dry log of firewood in his eyes. He doesn’t look at me like a man looks at a woman he desires.

“Are you not attracted to me? Did I not meet your expectations?” I asked.

“You know that’s not it,” he said. “You are perfect for me, exactly the way you are. That’s why I’m looking for more money to take care of you. The last thing on my mind is shuperu. We’ll do a lot of it when we get married.”

He wants us to get married this coming June. I was excited about it at first. Now, I’m worried.

What if I end up married to a man who wants nothing to do with me physically? He doesn’t even playfully touch any part of my body. No random hugs. No cuddles when we go to sleep. I’m sure if I were a fat wad of cash in his bed, he would have held me through the night.

Since when did everything in a relationship revolve around money?

I’ve cried from sexual frustration since the time I’ve been here. I know I’m new to relationships, but I’m a woman with needs. And it would help to know that the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with has what it takes to meet those needs.

At this very moment, I’m alone here in his house in Okota, Lagos. He didn’t sleep at home last night because, apparently, he finds all my attempts at seduction a disturbance.

So now, I have to ask: is it a good idea for me to go ahead and marry this man? He keeps saying we’ll do everything I want after we get married. But I’ve read stories—like that woman whose husband is starving her sexually. Won’t that be my story too?

I’ve been burning with need all this while, yet he gives me nothing to soothe the hunger. Instead, he prefers to play solo. I’ve heard and even seen him do it a few times.

Why would a 42-year-old man turn to his own hand for pleasure, rather than the youthful body of his 26-year-old fiancée?

I should be worried, right?