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Sadly, not all relationships are established on an even playing field. Sometimes, we get involved with people who make us feel small. They ignore our needs, cross our boundaries, and never put in the effort to change.
The red flags can be subtle, yet once you notice them, they’re hard to ignore.
Here are 10 signs someone in your life is not meant for you, according to psychology
1. They hide things from you
Honesty is a key component of any relationship, whether that relationship is with a partner, a friend, or family member.
A 2023 study by the International Association for Relationship Research established that people tend to keep secrets about experiences or parts of themselves that they deem shameful, embarrassing, or harmful to their relationship or their social status. The results of the study suggested that the initial strength of a relationship indicates whether or not someone will disclose their secrets. Self-disclosure of secrets increases trust and emotional intimacy.
The presence of secrets doesn’t necessarily predict psychological health or the strength of a relationship; rather, those factors are predicted by the extent to which the secrets are preoccupying. When someone carries secrets associated with shame or embarrassment, they’re more likely to withdraw from the people they’re close to, creating a sense of distance and emotional isolation, instead of asking for support. Hiding things from a partner can make someone feel like the relationship is inauthentic, which will likely keep the relationship at a shallow level of commitment.
Researchers touched on the connection between attachment style and secret-keeping, building on information from prior studies. People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are more likely to hide preoccupying secrets than people with a secure attachment style.
Being vulnerable with one another is part of growing close to a person, and it’s impossible to feel safe enough to do so if someone isn’t being truthful with you. If someone in your life consistently hides aspects of their true self, it’s a sign they’re not meant for you.
2. They’re emotionally unavailable
The Berkeley Well-Being Institute describes emotional availability as the ability for people to show up for each other in a relationship, part of having a healthy emotional connection. Psychiatrist Robert N. Emde’s definition of emotional availability considered it to be “An individual’s emotional responsiveness and ‘attunement’ to another’s needs and goals.”
While we often think of emotional availability in terms of how supportive a person is when we’re going through hard times, it actually spans beyond that. Being emotionally available hinges on accepting a range of emotions, from negative feelings to positive ones.
A person’s lack of emotional availability is fairly obvious if they shut down when you’re upset. A more subtle sign is how they hold space when you’re happy or proud of yourself or excited. Do they join in your joy or do they brush off how you’re feeling, as though it’s not important?
Emotional unavailability can be rooted in different things. For some, it’s related to past trauma or fear of intimacy. For others, it’s connected to how they were raised and what their resulting attachment orientation is. Whatever the underlying cause is, it’s nearly impossible to create a long-lasting relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
If someone in your life builds barriers and puts up walls around how they feel, it might be time to move on. It’s important to remember that a person’s level of emotional availability isn’t a reflection of your worth, but rather, their own development.
3. You don’t have shared interests
Building a solid relationship relies on mutual respect, kindness, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. Although there’s truth to the idea that opposites attract, those relationships tend to burn out after the first sparks fade.
A major part of sustaining a relationship depends on more than just spending quality time together. The types of activities individuals do during that quality time are also important. The fact that shared activities predict a higher quality relationship isn’t revelatory, yet a study dove deeper into why certain activities bring couples closer.
The study credited higher relationship quality to engaging in satisfying, relaxing activities that promote emotional intimacy. Activities that were deemed new and exciting, like traveling together, date nights, or joint hobbies, fostered a deeper sense of closeness than habitual activities, like watching TV, talking, shopping, or working around the house.
The researchers concluded that shared activities maintain relationships best when both partners are responsive and dedicated, meaning that each person has to want to share the activity in order to feel closer. If you find that your interests differ wildly from those of your partner or even your friends, it signifies that you’re not meant for each other in the long run.
4. They criticize you
It’s one thing for someone to share how your behavior or actions made them feel, yet it’s a whole other thing for them to criticize you as a person. Dr. John Gottman, a therapist and relationship expert, believed that criticism is one of the four behaviors that predicts relationship instability and unhappiness.
Criticism is rooted in anger and resentment. It can be presented in an overt, verbal way, like accusing someone of “always” acting a certain way or “never” doing certain things. It can also show up in more subtle, non-verbal ways, like rolling their eyes when you express what you think or redoing the dishwasher when you clean the kitchen.
It’s entirely normal to have concerns about a partner or to dislike aspects of their behavior, but it all comes down to how you communicate with each other. Criticism is a destructive form of communication. It comes from a place of defensiveness and a lack of vulnerability, which can lead to the disintegration of any relationship.
Being criticized makes us feel like we don’t matter and diminishes our sense of self-worth. When someone consistently uses criticism to bring up issues in your relationship, their presence in your life isn’t fully sustainable.
5. You argue a lot
Arguing is a normal aspect of any relationship, yet it’s the way disagreements occur that determine whether or not the interaction is healthy.
A 2021 research paper analyzed different forms of communication between couples, and whether those communication styles positively or negatively affected their relationship outcomes.
The researchers based the study off of the idea that distress in relationships is caused by an imbalance of negative and positive interactions. If couples spend more time fighting than having calm conversations, the damage of the negative interactions outweighs whatever wins are made from the positive interactions. They described communication during conflict as “high-salience interactions,” as opposed to “low-salience interactions,” which is more mundane, task-oriented communication.
Couples who used constructive communication during conflicts reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction. An increased amount of daily arguments was associated with couples seeing their relationship in a negative light, along with lower overall satisfaction and experiencing less closeness.
When couples know how to approach conflict respectfully, it signifies that their relationship is built on solid ground. But when people fight by being cruel, it shows that there’s more bad than good in the relationship. Ultimately, a relationship should bring joy and growth, even in challenging times. Spending the majority of your time fighting is an indication that your relationship isn’t made to last.
6. You can’t be yourself around them
Friendships and romantic relationships work best when each person shows up as their truest, most authentic self. In order to take down your protective walls and let someone in, you have to trust that person to accept you, flaws and all. Being authentic is essential to forming close connections, yet it isn’t always easy to do.
Life and business coach Patricia Magerkurth shared that accepting yourself fully is the first step to fostering authentic relationships. She advised people to look within and consider what’s important to them, and to set boundaries around what you value, what you want, and what you need for your well-being. “Ask yourself, ‘Who do I want to be in this situation or this relationship? How can I be real and let people know what my needs are?'” Magerkuth said.
When the person you show up as in a relationship doesn’t match how you feel inside, you’re essentially crossing your own boundaries. Having emotional and practical needs doesn’t make anyone needy, it just means you’re human, with a full, beating heart, and you deserve to be seen and loved for who you really are.
7. Your relationship expectations don’t match
Sometimes, we meet the right person at the wrong time, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or with you. It just means that your expectations don’t line up.
Relationships can fade out or come to an abrupt stop when people have opposing goals for what the future holds. It’s totally possible to have deep feelings for someone yet not want the same kind of relationship that they do. You might want more or less commitment, depending on where you are in life.
Not all relationships end because a person is cruel or toxic or causing their partner harm. Not all relationships end due to lack of love. People can fall out of sync with one another, or never be quite aligned in the first place. It isn’t easy to let someone go, but when your lives diverge, it’s time to make your peace and say goodbye.
8. You have different values
According to a study, a relationship’s ability to survive long-term depends on how similar the two individuals are to each other. Our drive to choose like-minded friends and partners is a lot stronger than has been assumed by previous studies.
Co-author Angela Bahns said, “We’re arguing that selecting similar others as relationship partners is extremely common — so common and so widespread on so many dimensions that it could be described as a psychological default.”
While we’re more likely to surround ourselves with people who hold the same set of values as we do, developing relationships with people who have opposing views is important for maintaining perspective in what Bahns called “the big, beautiful, diverse world.”
The psychology professor noted, “Change is difficult and unlikely. It’s easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning.”
9. They minimize your feelings
Emotional invalidation occurs when people dismiss your thoughts, feelings, or experiences. Validating someone’s feelings offers them a sense of safety and acceptance, while brushing off or discarding how they feel lowers their self-worth, which can make them feel isolated and unimportant.
The act of minimizing emotions is often purposeful, although it can also happen in a haphazard, unintentional way. If you tell someone you’re hurt or upset, and they respond by saying something like, “It could be worse,” or, “It’s not as bad as you think,” that’s a form of emotional invalidation.
Minimizing someone else’s feelings is a sign that a person doesn’t have high emotional intelligence and, therefore, isn’t able to fully process or hold space for difficult feelings. Even if it’s not happening on purpose, being dismissed or discarded makes us feel bad, which isn’t something we have to stand for in any of our relationships.
10. They never apologize when they’re wrong
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Saying sorry is harder for some people than for others, yet it’s one of the most valuable practices we can learn. When someone refuses to take accountability or even acknowledge when they’ve done something wrong and caused harm, it’s often an indication that they don’t know how to show up for other people, even the ones they care about.
If you’re involved with someone who won’t apologize, it forecasts a future full of unresolved conflict and resentment. They might not be meant to be in your life, because you deserve someone who treats you better than that.
Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime. Friends come and go as we figure out who we are and what’s most important to us. Partnerships can fade. People can become less compatible.
Accepting that someone isn’t meant for you is emotionally fraught, yet releasing what no longer serves you opens you up to new possibilities.