There is a man in my life. He is not my man but he is very dear to my heart. I met him at my workplace last year and we’ve been talking since. At first, he said he just wanted to be a friend. That’s what I could offer him so I agreed.......CONTINUE READING THE ARTICLE FROM THE SOURCE>>>>>
The next time he came to my workplace we had already become cordial. So that day we got into some chit-chat. We talked about love and relationships for the first time.
In the evening he sent a text asking if I would have drinks with him. “We can meet after work. If that doesn’t work for you, then it can be one of these weekends.” I told him I would check my schedule and get back to him on that.
Truth be told, my schedule was open but I was not available. I was in a relationship that was shaky. We hadn’t ended things but we had agreed to see other people. This means technically, I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong if I agreed to go out with Honore.
So I did a lot of thinking and decided to go have drinks with Honore. The first date went horribly wrong for me. He kept invading my personal space even when I tried in so many ways to let him know that it made me uncomfortable. He, on the other hand, felt the date went great.
He kept asking for a second date. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him again but in the end, I decided to give him another chance. This time around, he was well-behaved. He wasn’t all up in my space. I liked it. I can’t say the same for him though. He told me later that I was cold and distant. “The longest sentence you spoke to me contained seven words.”
I explained to him that I am deeply introverted. I can spend time with someone, not talk, and I would call it an amazing hangout.
We’ve gone on a few more dates in the one year I have come to know him. We’ve had a lot of conversations. He told me he was burned badly so he is scared of getting hurt again. “My biggest fear is giving my all to a man only for him to walk away as if it meant nothing,” I also confided in him.
In a way, we understood each other. He never failed to mention that he accepted me for who I was; my constant need for space, and my penchant to switch moods within an hour or two. “There are so many women I ignore for less but when it comes to you, I have accepted that I have to want to be in your life to be in your life, and I want to be in your life.”
It made me feel good that he chose me in spite of my shortcomings. I admit that it was selfish but that’s why I didn’t tell him about the other man in my life. The other man knew about him though.
As time passed, the other man finally walked away. I loved him but I was relieved to see him go. The relationship had become so unhealthy. And all we did was fight and f***k. I was unhappy most of the time but I was too weak to walk away from him.
So when he finally left, I went on my knees and thanked the heavens. However, for a long time, he was the one person in my corner when I was at my lowest. So coping with his absence was an unbearable hell. I was so sure that I would die of heartache.
Thankfully, I pulled through. That’s because I had Honore to hold on to. He didn’t know the extent of what I was dealing with but he understood that I was going through a difficult time. He was there for me every time I needed him. I also showed up for him whenever he needed a friend.
When my heart felt less achy and more alive, I started opening up myself to him in a way I hadn’t done in the past. I allowed him into my personal space when we went on dates. I would cling to his arm like a girlfriend. I would hug him every chance I got. I would touch him affectionately when I talked to him.
He started calling me Feminist Princess. “I didn’t know you could be soft like this. You are always acting so tough,” he would tease. Everything I was doing was my way of telling him I was ready to take the relationship to the next step.
However, I had been so on and off with him that he took my signals as one of those things. So one day I called him and asked him out on a date. He showed up at my place after a few hours.
We went out and talked. He asked if I was ready to make a commitment and I said yes. Truly, I meant it. We even agreed he would spend the night at my place. But the moment we were ready to leave the restaurant, I started getting anxious. My anxiety was so bad that I told him about it.
“I don’t think I am ready to do anything tonight. I am sorry.”
He said he understood. Nonetheless, when we got to my place he kissed me. I tried to go with the flow but my body wouldn’t let me. I was hit with waves of memories of my ex. The other guy I didn’t have the strength to walk away from. I kept thinking about him and it felt like I was betraying him by being with another man. I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s how I felt.
I almost wept into Honore’s arms as I told him, “I really am not ready to do this. My head is not straight. There is another man in there.” By then I had already told him there was another man in the picture when we met, to explain why I was inconsistent with him.
He was not happy that we didn’t go all the way but I couldn’t have forced myself to do something I wasn’t ready for. He went home that night.
But before he left, we agreed that I would leave him alone. No more dates. No more talking stage. I would just let him go so he could find someone else, while I also work on getting over my ex.
However, we found ourselves talking on the phone after a week. He said he was disappointed things didn’t work out between us.
“I felt there was something wrong with me.”
“I meant it when I said it wasn’t you, it was me. I thought I was ready to move on. But when you put your hands on me, all I thought about was him, and it felt all wrong. It really is not you, I am just too broken to be with anyone right now. I need time to heal properly.”
He said he would wait till I was ready. “I still want you as a friend,” he assured me. So I am still in his life as a friend. Not only because he asked me but I also like having him as a friend. I enjoy our conversations and I find his company safe.
My problem is that the more we talk, the more he brings up the fact that there must be something wrong with him for me to turn him down. He said if I was attracted to him I wouldn’t say I am not ready. “You won’t be able to help yourself. You will give me your all before you remember that you weren’t ready.”
I know that friendship is not by force but this is someone who has come to mean a lot to me. While I am not ready for the kind of commitment he wants, I still want him in my life as a friend. What can I do to help him understand that he is an amazing guy? And that if I had met him before my ex, I wouldn’t have been struggling this much to be with him.
It’s just that some people are tsunamis. They leave so much wreckage in their wake. You can’t just move on from them. You need to take some time, sort through the damage, and do some fixing before you are fit to be home to others again.
This is what I have been trying to explain to Honore but he doesn’t understand. He keeps making it about himself. Is there a chance I can convince him to see things my way, or I should give up hope of ever being platonic friends with him?
