Lolo Chinyere Anwanyu is a wellness consultant. When she shared her marriage ordeal, it sent shockwaves online, sparking rumours of a scammer or ‘ghost’ husband......See Full Story>>.....See Full Story>>
In an exclusive interview with THE WHISTLER, she shares her side of the story and why she’s speaking out after five years.
How did you two meet?
I met Olumide Emmanuel Oluyemi on a dating site in 2019. I am based in Benue, Markudi and he told me he was based in Lagos. We started talking around March of that year. We kept on talking on the platform until in June when we exchanged our contact. We met physically in July. He came to Benue. I couldn’t travel then because I was working.
How old were you both then?
He told me that he was 46 years old and I was 36 years old then.
Was there a traditional wedding?
There was no traditional wedding. Because of my work(I hardly have time), I needed to get a leave before we could travel down to my place.
And because we come from two different far places; he from Lagos and I from Imo State, he suggested that while we plan for the traditional wedding, we should have our court wedding. I had already told him that I don’t subscribe to church weddings and what I wanted was a traditional marriage; that’s paying the bride price and court marriage. I wanted something quiet. So I agreed to the plan of doing the court wedding and going for my traditional wedding when my leave was approved.
How did your parents take it?
My parents were not comfortable with it. So while we went for the court wedding, plans were on the way to travel for the traditional wedding. It was as the plan was still ongoing that he disappeared. He travelled to Lagos and never came back again.
Were you able to meet any of his family before the wedding?
I met those people he said were his family at the court, during the wedding. He said all his family are in Lagos so I didn’t meet any of them. So if I am going to meet any of them, I have to travel to Lagos; which was part of the plans we had when I started my leave. However, I was speaking with several persons; his uncle who lives in Ogun State, his cousins Taiwo and Kehinde, they live in Lagos. I spoke to a whole lot of people who claimed they were his family members. His parents are late and the uncle in Ogun is the one whom he looked up to as a father. These supposedly family members called and I called them too in the period that the courtship lasted.
So who among them came for the wedding?
Now, another uncle whom he said lives in Benue came for the wedding. He told me that he spoke to his Ogun State uncle who told him to talk to the uncle in Benue to represent the family. Apart from the uncle and his wife, many more people came from his side. Some he said were his friends.
It happened that the ‘uncle’ is not even his relation. In fact, they are from different states. Even, the ‘friend’ who stood and signed as a witness, is now saying that he doesn’t even know my supposed husband and that he was scammed. There was one other guy I met who told me that he was his very good friend. I got to find out that the people that came for the wedding were hired or scammed into coming.
During the dating period, was there nothing like a red flag to make you suspicious?
Something didn’t come up as a red flag. It was later after the wedding that they came. One thing about me is that I am somebody that probes a lot. If I am not convinced, it is not happening. After this happened, I started remembering when I wanted a clarification about something. The annoying part is that I always can’t remember what the response was. It was like a cloud on my head. I sometimes remember that we had an argument about an issue but usually can’t remember the way it ended. For example, there was a time he wanted the two of us to visit his spiritual leader. I asked him who, and he said the person is in Ankpa. I told him that I can talk to the man on the phone or he can wait whenever we are going to see others, we can go see him too. To tell you the truth, I can’t remember how the conversation ended but I never went to Ankpa.
There was also a time someone called him and he said the person is staying with his son in the U.S. He told me that he got someone pregnant while he was serving and that the son is 19 and in the Navy in the U.S. He told me that he has a health issue and that once in a while, he has a crisis. I was asking him how someone with a heart problem would be allowed to be in the military in the U.S. It turned into an argument. So I let it be. Later on when he was away, he told me that the said child had died. He said he has called his aunty in the U.S to represent him during the burial. I was surprised. I thought he will be on his way to America to participate in the burial as the father. When I mentioned it, it turned into an argument; that I didn’t allow him to mourn his son in peace. All those things seemed strange to me. I have never spoken to the son who he claimed is always on the battlefield. But all these came after the marriage. There was nothing of a ‘red’ when the courtship was going on.
Things started not making sense a week after the wedding. I kept asking for the wedding pictures. It was one story after another. Another issue that happens during the wedding…he told me he is from Ilaje. But when we were signing the document I saw where he filled Okitipupa. I took up my phone to browse about the two places. I noticed that they are two different local governments. Also, on our way to where the reception was to be held, my boss who usually has her vacation abroad in the US asked him which state he was staying in the US(he claimed he stayed in the US before he came back), he told her New York. So she asked where in New York and he replied, Philadelphia. I was shocked and I really got worried. Again, I picked up my phone to check wondering what Philadelphia is doing in New York. If you see the wedding picture; the reception, it showed in my face that I was visibly worried even though I was trying to force a smile. These were the basic red flags that were obvious. They were just minutes, hours after the court marriage. When we got home, I started asking why he wrote Okitipupa instead of Ilaje and he explained that the Ilaje is majorly a riverine community so many of them migrated to Okitipupa and claimed it as their place. Well, I found out from my in-law that it was true. Though, I remember telling him then that even if it is so, the court certificate is a documentation and he would have filled in the place he was from and not where he migrated from.
You keep saying you can’t remember many of your conversations. Do you think you were charmed or is it the trauma of what happened?
I will tell you for free that I can’t remember many of our conversations or how it ended. It was like they were wiped out of my head. Sometimes, some things just come like a flash. A friend of mine, even my family members are like…’This is not you. Are you sure you were not charmed?’ But I don’t believe in all those things. I didn’t want to accept when they were saying that it is like the man charmed me but sometimes, something just comes like a faint memory; like someone that once lost his memory and things are just coming back to the person in a flash.
I don’t know if it is the trauma but these things happened before he left so I should be able to remember them. Things that happen after he left, I still remember them so how come it is things that happen before he left, I can’t remember.
Was he in the U.S when you people were chatting during the dating period?
No, he was already back in Nigeria, according to him. He told me he was in the Nigerian Army for 16 years before he voluntarily left the army on health grounds. He said he had a terminal condition. He said that he was now managing his mother’s business. He said somebody was managing it for him while he was abroad. When he came back, he took it over. He said he has a car stand where he sells cars. That wasn’t really my business. I had my own money and I wasn’t really interested about what he did with his own money.
Yes, he did. I didn’t put a dime in the wedding. It was him who did the whole thing. I was a field officer with a Non-governmental Organisation so I didn’t have time for certain things. We were working with refugees then. It was a United Nations project so you don’t just stand up and leave. So some of the things we were supposed to do like the traditional wedding, I told him to wait until I was able to get my leave. For me, my job was more important to me than the wedding. Marriage wasn’t really my thing. People accused me of being desperate and that is why I hurriedly married him. But I have never been desperate for marriage. During the wedding, it was like a normal day for me. I even went to work after the marriage. Till tomorrow, I will tell you that I don’t know how this nonsense happened.
I told him to allow me to get a leave so we will be able to do everything together but he told me not to worry. The marriage notice in the registry usually takes 21 days but we got married in seven days. I asked him how and why they waived a whole 14 days for him and he told me that he told the registrar that we wanted to travel home urgently. I had to call the registrar myself to understand why and he told me that he had to waive the 14 days because my supposed husband said he was in a hurry due to the nature of his job.
So do you know how much he spent for the wedding?
What I have to tell you for free is that he may not have spent money on that wedding; except the money he used to bribe the registrar. I think he must have given the man something or promised him something. The day I went back after this whole thing happened, the man was visibly tense. I think he scammed all of them. For the registrar, I believe he promised him that he will help him get his child into the military. I have seen a few people who he gave the same promise to.
I think he scammed the vendor that even cooked for the wedding. We went to eat in an eatery. I don’t think he paid her.
Did he eventually meet your parents?
No, we had it all planned. We had called them and told them that we would be coming home immediately my leave was approved to get their consent but he disappeared before then.
So you mentioned on Facebook that he left with some of your things? What did he take?
Majorly, it was money. The only property that he took was my power bank. He also took money from other people.
He took money from some of them promising to help them get a visa. Some he promised a job in the army. He told them that he has a slot.
When he left, he had told the group for the visa that they were supposed to go for a visa appearance in Abuja. I was asking him how? If you make a visa application for people, they are supposed to get messages from the embassy not through you. I asked him and he said it was a special arrangement. I came back one day and my neighbours told me that she had a conversation with him about the visa she needed for her cousin and my husband has told her to pay N900,000. She gave me N400,000 to give to him. She was one of the many people he scammed. At one point, I started paying my neighbour back but later I stopped because what I did was just to hand the money over to him as she instructed. I didn’t eat the money. He left debt for me to pay. I told them that the day we find him, they will collect their money.
When he travelled, were you people still talking on the phone before he disappeared?
Yes, we were talking for three weeks to one month. After he left, it was as if everything came to light. It was as if someone in a trance just woke up. I kept asking him questions for clarification and he was mad. I tried to lure him back. I wrote a petition to the commissioner of police and the divisional police. I also told my supposed husband when I found out that I was pregnant but he wasn’t excited about it. I guess it wasn’t part of the plan. The DPO wasn’t comfortable with me trying to bring him because he said that it could be dangerous for me. He told me that most times, these scammers do away with their victims to cover their tracks. He told me that if he left without hurting me, he had plans of coming back for more money. And now, if he suspects that I know who he is because of the questions I was asking, it will be dangerous letting him back. He even advised that I move away from where he knew me and that he may come to hurt me to cover his tracks.
Did you get all the pictures you have of him from social media?
Apart from our wedding pictures, I got them from his Facebook page. Though, he sent some when we were dating. The Facebook page is no longer active. There was a guy that reached out to me that his cousin was a victim to this same man. I asked the man if I could speak with his cousin and he said that the lady died a few weeks after the guy disappeared after their marriage. I asked the man how he was sure it was the same man. He sent me a picture of the same man; some pictures that I have already.
What else did you do to trace him after reporting at the police station?
I didn’t do anything else. You know when things like this happen, you have a lot of questions with no answers. Initially when this thing happened, I was shut down. I found it difficult to come to terms that this really happened to me. I didn’t even want to talk about it. I just wanted to focus on my pregnancy. A friend tracked him and told me he is in Benin. He also checked for me if he really worked with the military and his name didn’t pop up anywhere. I suspect that the pictures where he was wearing an army uniform were all doctored. So my friend asked me if I wanted them to go arrest him in Benin. I said yes. I wanted to look him in the face to ask him questions; why he did what he did. As they were getting ready to go get him, I told them to leave him. Let him go. Then, I think I was trying to keep everything low. I wanted to just cover it and act as if it never happened. I couldn’t explain that a whole me fell for something cheap. I didn’t want the negative influence around my child.
So why did you decide to talk about it?
For two years after the marriage, people still thought I was married. This is not the first time I am talking about it. In 2022, I decided to write about it. With time, I started remembering things that got me really angry. I tried to fix this issue myself but it wasn’t working. I realize that that singular three-week-thing has affected my life badly…so badly that I try to fix it, and it looks like I am l making more mistakes. I lost my job along the line. The job kept me going after the incident. I could take care of my son but in January 2020, I lost my job. My contract ended. I thought that in a few months I will be able to get a job but it wasn’t coming. I went for lots of interviews. I got a job in March that same year, in the Northeast. But my son was very small and the position was non-family. You can’t bring anybody. I had to turn it down. Another one came, it was in Yola and another non-family position. I let that one go too. Days turned to weeks, and months and years. Four years down the line, I have not been able to get another job. For my job, we move around all the time. If It wasn’t for that mistake of a marriage, I wouldn’t have been jobless. I felt that it limited me. I have to bring my mum here so that she can stay with my son for me to hustle other things to put food on the table. There are so many things you can’t do because you have a little boy.
My finances suffered, also my career, and also my relationship. Also, I was doing my masters but when this happened, I left at the point of my exit. I have done my clearance and all but iJust couldn’t continue.
The first time everybody knew about it was in 2022. I decided to talk about it because something happened with a friend. We were speaking and it was as if I heard him say ‘marriage’ and I flared up. It dawned on me that I didn’t heal properly from whatever happened to me. I decided to talk about it that year. This year, I was just venting but did not know that it would go viral. People started calling me saying that my post has gone viral. That wasn’t my intention. I now said since it has gone viral, let me see if I can get answers to the questions in my head; if anyone will be able to identify him. I had over 800 shares of the story I posted on Facebook but not a single person said he knows this guy. People were insinuating that maybe he is a ghost and I asked, even if he is a ghost, he belonged to a family, a community before he became a ghost. So people should know this ghost. After the post, people told me they will help me search him out but nobody is coming back to say that we found him. The only person that came forward was the person that said he did the same thing to his cousin and the person is looking for answers too.
So how has opening up helped you?
I also learnt some things from the post I did on Facebook. I understood that I was struggling because I didn’t heal.
I want to correct some of the things I did wrong. I noticed I didn’t handle things well. I was doing it on my own and didn’t open up to people. I shut people out. The post opened my eyes and I am trying to take steps to right the wrong.
Are you going to keep searching?
Honestly, I wasn’t really searching for him. I wanted someone to ID him or even him to reach out with the truth. To truly heal, I have started the process. I have gone to the National Population Commission to change my son’s identity and name because I don’t know who this guy is and where he is. My son bears a Yoruba name, Ayo. The name will always raise questions and I don’t think I have the strength to keep explaining. He is going to take his Igbo name. I also went to the marriage registry to know what my options are about what to do with the marriage because legally, we are still married. They have told me what to do. I went to the school where I was doing my masters and I have resumed my programme so I could round up my masters.
What is your advice to the youths out there?
You know what didn’t work for me could work for someone else. They might say don’t go to dating sites but people have met people at dating sites and today they are happy. I think the major thing is just be careful and know that sometimes, roses grow thorns. The major thing that I think happened…I know I made a lot of mistakes. I overlooked a lot of things. I was more focused on my career that I handed a very big part of my life to a stranger. He was practically doing everything. He saw my busy schedule as a loop to cash in and do whatever he wanted to do.If you don’t have peace about a relationship, take a break and slow it down. If he is in a hurry, dodge. Give it time. There shouldn’t be any hurry. Also, sometimes, too much privacy isn’t okay. My supposed husband cashed in on that. I don’t usually bring my issues to the open. I didn’t even post my wedding on social media. I told him from the onset that I didn’t want crowds and publicity. I was just giving him everything he wanted. I was a private person. When you are in a relationship, you need to talk to people. Before now, I used to say don’t bring your relationship to social media but I will say now, bring it but don’t overdo it. If I had brought mine, maybe someone would have recognized him and told me about him or maybe someone wouldn’t have but then, if we had given it time, it would have revealed something. Okay, let us say he had used charm. If I had let people in, he can’t use charm on everybody.